Jokes corner

[manfredKlein]

Humor up your life. My brain was able to store lots of jokes. Somehow most is lost now in the late 40ies. If you have brain like strainer you have to write down. Ok, lets do this...

... asked my daughter to hand me the newspaper. She scolded me being old fashioned and handed me her smart phone. Ok. The fly is dead now...

[manfredKlein]

True story:

'C'mon, we're finished for today. Let's go for one or two beers!'

'Naaa, I can't.'

'C'mon, what's wrong with having one or two beers??'

'Shorry, can't do that. Can't have simply one or two beers. When I'm having beers I must have ALL the beers!'

[manfredKlein]

A guy flies with a balloon through foggy air and lost orientation. Suddenly someone sitting on a computer appears behind an opened window. The guy asked: 'excuse me, where am I?' - 'You are in an air balloon.' - '*Sigh* You must be an IT guy. Providing absolute correct answers nobody can make use of.' - 'Yeah, and You must be management: Don't know where You are, don't know where You want to go and blame the IT.'

[manfredKlein]

They say a schnapps shortens your live time by 5 minutes.

A cigarette by 10 minutes.

But really dangerous is a working day with ~8 hours.

[manfredKlein]

Don't let anyone ruin your day. It's Your day. Go and ruin it yourself!

[manfredKlein]

Had to chase the bus between two stops. My dog decided to go the rest of the way by bus and didn't tell me.

[StephanieMarley]

Have you heard the one about the skunk? Never mind, it really stinks. (drum roll please! 🤣)

[jerryjanda]

I actually chuckled at that one. 🙂

[mmcisme1]

How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

None, because it is a hardware problem.

[manfredKlein]

A dyslexic guy walks into a bra...

[manfredKlein]

I'm not crazy. I just have innovative behavior.

[EnnoWulff]

A QA engineer walks into a bar.
Orders a beer.
Orders 0 beers.
Orders 99999999999 beers.
Orders a lizard.
Orders -1 beers.
Orders a ueicbksjdhd.

First real customer walks in and asks where the bathroom is.
The bar bursts into flames, killing everyone.

Original on twitter.

[StephanieMarley]

TGIF: What do you call a Friday that is not serious about anything in life?

Casual Friday. Have a good weekend all!😁

[manfredKlein]

And a friday going nuts is a Cashew Friday.

[mmcisme1]

Vacation Friday.   That means Thursday becomes - Virtual Friday.

[manfredKlein]

Had to pause my last christmas holiday on a wednesday. So I had tgif and ofim all in one day.

Edit: While tgif seems to be known, ofim is not: Ooh f... it's monday!

[manfredKlein]

What is the difference between a software sales guy and a second hand car dealer?

The car dealer is aware of the lies.

[manfredKlein]

Boss: I don't condone child labor. But they are always the only ones knowing what the heck is wrong with my computer...

[mmcisme1]

Never bring a pig to a bank robbery.  They will always squeal.  🥁🥁  (These are the best I can do for drums)

[manfredKlein]

Announcer: 'The little That's-none-of-Your-f..ing-business-what-my-name-is wants to be fetched from children's paradise...'

Mother: *sigh* *facepalm*

A classic in don't-talk-to-strangers taken too seriously.

[manfredKlein]

If Stupidity would grant blue dots, we would live in a world of smurfs...

[addo_bernard]

Guess who I met at the phone shop?

[StephanieMarley]

@addo_bernard who?😄

[craigcmehil]

You've heard of Murphy's Law but have you heard of Cole's Law?

Spoiler

You know, you take cabbage, carrots and all that shredded together. It's a great side dish for your meal.

[mmcisme1]

Joke - I heard this one again..  So I'll add it - response later.

You get to a fork in the road.   There are two people standing there.  One always tells the truth one always lies.   You get one question.  You want to go where everyone tells the truth.  

What's the question - and no that isn't the answer.  If it is already here - I apologize.   And of course, no google search allowed.  

[StephanieMarley]

@Former Member what a way to start my day....I'll be trying to figure this out all day 🤣

[mmcisme1]

Which way to where you live?

Truth = tells truth  and sends you down the correct road

Lie = tells lie and sends you down the correct road

[manfredKlein]

Chuck Norris can slice knifes with bread.

[craigcmehil]

Did you see that video clip as well? Like Chuck Norris can't fly the Earth just keeps a respectful distance from him 🙂

[StephanieMarley]

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

[StephanieMarley]

Fsh!

[Prathami]

What do you call BEE that is very nice around you ?
HaBEEBEE

[manfredKlein]

Hi,

saw a funny short video:

Wizard and Barbarian approach a gate with 2 guards.

One guard telling the truth, one guard lying.

Wizard: 'I know that one. We have to...'

Barbarian pulls out axe and chops down one guard.

Wizard: WHATTT?

Barbarian grips remaining guard at neck and asks hinting to the slain guard: 'This guard dead??'

Guard hesitating: 'No?'

Barbarian smiling: 'This one lying!' 

[matt]

Babies are brought by the stork.

Heavier babies are brought by the crane.

[KatherineKenneally]

Apparently today (July 1st) is International Joke Day! Who knew! It's a very cold Monday here in Ireland, could do with a bit of light cheer today if anyone knows any good jokes?!

[manfredKlein]

Currently 3 Aliens tell quite low jokes on video platforms. Here are a few examples:

• How do You call a retired Terminator? . EX-Terminator
• My Alphabet only has 25 letters... I don't know (wh)Y.
• Why can't You hear the Pterodactyl on the toilet? - The P(ee) is silent.